It sits on the front wall of my stomach and is like someone has grabbed a handful of my intestines and is twisting them. With you as my witness I’d like to go there.
So.
Last year I worked with one person in particular who challenged me to evolve who I am and what I do. I see it as we are all dusting one another off through our interactions – both pleasant and not so much, dusting away the layers of density to reveal the pure spark within all of us.
Anyway, I realised there was still one area of my personal life that I had not faced. I had not thought it would be necessary, “I wasn’t interested”. This was my sexuality.
Turned out that under the surface, not being interested was a mask for not daring. So I faced it. I signed up for a 5 month exploration with an intimacy coach – the most full on intensive experience I could find.
What came next surprised the crap out of me and it was nothing to do with ‘Sex’ and everything to do with being able to hold space within my own physical body with absolute authority. To really FEEL as a lived experience that I am my safety and security, it’s IN me and I’ve got me regardless of external dynamics.
The root of our ‘Being’ in the physical world as an animal IS our sexuality. It’s the fundamental ownership over our own sex as an individual. This is a lived authority, a felt experience, you cannot fake this energy, it’s palpable with other beings as animals we sense it.
The spine, the perineum, kundalini or serpent energy…. The surge of creative energy rising up from the base of our being up through the top of our crown, all of this stuff is as old as the hills and I don’t have any wisdom to offer on these subjects but I do have my own experience and I can tell you that the four patterns of powerlessness all sit at the base of the spine from the root chakra up to the heart and this is where the density of our old imprints and patterns from historic experiences sit like a cloak over our true nature. Our sexual energy, ie our sovereignity and our inner POWER has been dulled and largely not activated, hidden from our view.
My journey was to incarnate into a family where my sexual nature was defiled as a child by a primary care giver, so part of my personal journey is to reconnect with this to bring myself home into ownership of this body and access my complete creative capacity.
In union with another of opposing sex this creative force of masculine integrating with feminine combines to create new life. In myself as an individual expression of source energy, when I integrate the feminine and masculine (being and doing) energy within me this same creative energy is access and streams through my human frame creating results beyond what my ‘mind’ can plan or conceive. This is when everything is this ‘reality’ shifts. This is activating synchronicity and it comes from us and how we move with our own energy. This dynamic is at the heart of what I share with others.
So back to the fear in my body right now and why haven’t I wanted to talk about it?
What will people think of me. I shouldn’t feel fear if I’m sharing a method with others whereby they can have autonomy over their own Being if they use the two resources I give them (Akashic Energetic Design and Patterns of Powerlessness). Fuck!! Don’t talk about it, figure it out first and get beyond it and then you can share about it from a position of yeah I’ve got this all covered. Shame on you Sarah, you aren’t what you say on the tin, look at you, you’ve been carrying this fear for over 6 weeks, it’s directly impacting your physical health (stomach not working properly and thyroid dipped so dragging energy/tiredness). Isolation due to low energy and body malfunction. Head always goes beserk when isolated and not communicating with others.
ALL of this is PURE GOLD. Thank fuck for this experience, it’s literally everything I could have asked for, beyond comical, you can’t make this shit up. You/I create it for ourselves to evolve. I/we co create with one another the ideal challenges in my external ‘reality’ to be able to shift/let go/release (kicking and screaming in my case sometimes) old programming and conditioning and really fully BE in my absolute essence, to stand in my full creative Power and capacity consciously with an integrated mind/body system and energetic structure infused with Spirit (however you perceive that, individual to all of us).
My Akashic Energetic Design is Truth and Communication. This is how I create energy the easiest to move through my body. If I am in fear and not communicating my truth/or I’m not heard or listened to/there is no one there, no audience, then my energy cannot flow easily. So…. being in isolation and hiding my feelings would be the worst conditions that I could find myself in.
Grinning like a crazy person now as writing, because I’ve been longing to express this. I can feel everything moving in me and my pen is racing across the page. Lets look at my life as an example:
‘Worst Conditions’ Isolation and hide feelings. A few key moments in my life:
Trauma related hearing problem as child affected development of speech at pivotal age so no one could understand what I was saying. Isolation in deafness, hide feelings, learn to pretend to be happy to be safe. (worst for design)
Depression – can’t communicate, can’t function, hide away, isolate, shame. (worst for design)
Addiction – hide away, don’t show feelings, lie, cover up, shame, isolation. (worst for design).
Sober 7 years leave Cornwall and AA, leave the 12 step recovery tribe and suddenly there is no audience. Life path leads me to learn something new (this) and it’s Covid and there is no one to share it with. (worst for design) Except…..Now it’s different, I find a way, I use my design and start making videos. My experience begins to shift dramatically as I start clearing my own patterns with this work. My relationship with others changes, I start experiencing synchronicity all the time (I just can’t control it to do what I want!).
2022 Move to new area, don’t know anyone here, just about to start connecting going to dance events and then fall in my own doorway and physical injury means once again I’m isolated, alone, shame creeps in, the feeling of wrongness from past experiences….. except now it’s different I have resources to work with, I can get creative with what inner resources I have regardless of external conditions so I do and synchronicity happens and I start working with others here.
Fast forward to now. Sexuality deep dive with the intimacy coach has unleashed old fear into the gut (a pattern that has been long dormant in my energetic system) and it’s coming up just to be released. It’s me that’s been holding onto it for dear life these last six weeks, nobody else. It’s taken me first to fall into the whole sensation and swim around in it for a bit to be able to see it from this lens. So this time the felt sense of isolation is bringing the residual memories of the shame of being alone in all my previous experiences and yet, there is NO shame in this.
NO shame. I have done my work and will always continue to do so, I am always evolving, I am never beyond the lessons I co create for myself. I am delighted by the truth in revisiting this old pattern of Aloneness. The pattern from ancient times that tells me that Aloneness means risk of death, I’ve been kicked out the tribe, rejected, found wanting. Shame on me. I should put on a face and hide it, fake it, cover it up. NO. I can now view this from a clearer lens but most importantly is the fact that NOW, today I can dare to respond to it (fear) using the actions (I’m doing it now as I write) that naturally stream through me to open to the wonder of what comes next in this moment now that I don’t feel afraid.
I can respond at last and create with it (albeit 6 weeks later) instead of reacting from old patterns….. which only ever exist for me to experience this journey of releasing them both for myself and for the collective, clearing the cycles of generational trauma out of my energetic field and returning home to a place of peace and harmony and JOY in the Being that I am. And this ripples wherever it goes.
With love to you and if I could say anything to both of us it’s to know that wherever we are today right now we are always PERFECT. If the mental noise and story in the system is one of fear and lack, it’s a Survival pattern and it’s just old misinformation. We aren’t getting anything wrong, there is no such thing, however uncomfortable it can feel, we are consciously or unconsciously dusting each other off. Gratitude for the place to express this. Without an audience I’m fucked.
Ps. …..why the starling image? I love starlings. There was a lone one sitting on my chimney yesterday singing songs to whoever was listening, it inspired me to sing mine here. My song is in words.